bachelor 2017 bios are out! let’s get this trainwreck started..

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I don’t have cable and I watch very little TV, but for some soul-sucking reason, I still religiously watch every show from “The Bachelor” franchise. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t believe for one second that any of this shit is real. But boy is it fun to consume. Raging hormones, gallons of booze, and unrequited love? That’s my kinda trainwreck.

Therefore I’m thinking I might just bite the bullet and do weekly recaps for this upcoming season. And in the spirit of kicking things off, let’s run some commentary on the bios that were just released for Nick Viall’s group girls. So without further ado, here are the 30 women competing for roses on Season 21 of this great American institution that we call “The Bachelor.”

1. Alexis, 23

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Photo: ABC

Alexis looks like a nice girl. However, her occupation is Aspiring Dolphin Trainer, which begs the question: what exactly is so hard about getting this position that your documented job is.. trying to land a job? This is the kind of thing kids tell their parents they wanna be when they grow up. Like when I used to say I wanted to be a zookeeper until I realized that zookeepers don’t get to snuggle with lions and mostly just shovel feces all day. Alexis, might I suggest you watch a little film called “Blackfish” before you go keep trying to go down this road?

2. Angela, 26

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Photo: ABC

Angela’s a model from South Carolina who considers herself a major weirdo because she licks the popcorn bag. She admits, “My brother and I used to do it all the time when we were little. So unhealthy. LOL.” The only thing weird about you, dear Angela, is that you thought it was a good idea to mention this bizarre personal anecdote on a questionnaire designed to help you land a husband.

3. Astrid, 26

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Photo: ABC

While Astrid’s name is unique and intriguing, she is the third girl out of three girls so far that has cited “dolphin” as the animal she’d most like to be. However, what’s really killin’ me about Astrid is her ambiguous fear of horses: “Horses freak me out. I’ve had some bad experiences.” Uhh. Care to elaborate? Because I can’t be the only one who’s concerned about this ominous equine history of yours. (Unrelated: Why is ABC asking so many questions about animals? This is the kind of information relevant to dating in 2016? Funny little facts that belong in a 6th grade ice-breaker? No wonder why exactly 0% of couples on this show make it. Or just in general. Whatever.)

4. Briana, 28

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Photo: ABC

Briana’s too aggressively smiley for my delicate sensibilities. And she’s a nurse so I’ll definitely be going right to hell for criticizing her. Briana, like the first 3 girls, also wants to be a dolphin. We’ve got a lot of unique snowflakes in this group, lemme tell ya. She goes on to say that she’d most like to be “The Little Mermaid” because Ariel has “cool animal friends.” WHY ARE ONLY TALKING ABOUT ANIMALS. Did “The Bachelor” jump networks to Animal Planet orrrr..?

5. Brittany, 26

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Photo: ABC

Homegirl is a travel nurse (…?) so I immediately imagine she’s a real-life Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. She likes Beyoncé and like Beyoncé, so I think we could be friends. That is, until she claims that cooking dinner is how she impresses guys because “food is the way to a man’s heart.” Mmmm, girl bye. Not even in a feminist way. Just sincerely because who has time to slave away in the kitchen, especially when you’re spending hours wrapping layer after layer of bolo-choker around your neck..

6. Christen, 25

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Photo: ABC

If given the chance to break any law, Christen would “break into the White House and spend months sleeping in a storage closet and observing what actually goes on behind closed doors.” Girl, I’m just gonna go out on a limb and suggest that you could very conceivably spy on the government without sleeping in a closet for months on end like a serial killer. And later, in an entirely different question, she responds that she’d love to be the President because she’s “so curious what actually goes on back there.” It’s safe to say Christen will be bringing her tin foil hat to the Bachelor mansion..

7. Corinne, 24

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Photo: ABC

Let’s just note that in a great demonstration of good decision-making, Corinne is already lasering off tattoos at the ripe young age of 24. She also has “too many embarrassing moments to count.” OK then.

8. Danielle L., 27

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Photo: ABC

Danielle seems mostly normal. The animal she’d most like to be? A fox because “they are responsive, sometimes cunning and adaptive.” Girl, all I’m striving to be is “sometimes cunning,” too. Real recognize real.

9. Danielle M., 31

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Photo: ABC

It’s sad that Danielle is the oldest of this bunch so far and she’s the laydee I most identify with. “The Sandlot” is one of her favorite movies, she likes green smoothies, and she lost a great love, therefore needing “to start fresh somewhere.” PREACH, girl. You and me, Danielle M.? We’ve seen some thangs. Let’s grab a glass of wine and talk 401ks.

10. Dominique, 25

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Photo: ABC

Dominique seems pretty basic. She likes brunch, hiking, “Titanic,” and Tinder. She also mentions Chipotle burritos not one, but twice on this questionnaire and says she loves “sunshine.” Dominique, saying that you like sunshine is like saying that you love oxygen or clean water or puppies. There has got to be a more interesting way to differentiate yourself from the 7 billion other humans on planet Earth. Ugh. We’re only 10 girls in and my patience is already wearing thin.

11. Elizabeth “Liz,” 29

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Photo: ABC

OK, Liz is wearing green, has cool tattoos, likes coconut oil, flosses regularly, acted as her sister’s doula during childbirth, AND she’s “not embarrassed of anything.” IS SHE MY SAME-NAME HIPPIE SOUL SISTER? Where Liz loses me, though, is when she says that of all the things that would make her very happy, it would simply be “not killing someone.” Uhhhhhhhh. Liz? Couldn’t we have gone a bit lighter there? Nahh, I’m just playin’. Us Liz’s are morbid as fuck. If this girl doesn’t win, I’m writing an angry letter.

12. Elizabeth, 24

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Photo: ABC

Another Elizabeth. Seems like kind of a yawn. Especially because she doesn’t list a nickname and therefore I assume must go by full bore “Elizabeth.” (No cool Elizabeth’s choose this plight.) She likes Kate Middleton, Britney Spears, Christmas, “The Notebook,” …a;lkjadsfasdflkj.. Sorry. I fell asleep on my keyboard. NEXT!

13. Hailey, 23

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Photo: ABC

Hailey doesn’t like fun things. Let’s just get that straight right off the bat. She’s not romantic (“I’m not into making out all the time and being sang to”) and hates butterflies. Hmm, Hailey, do you know what show you just signed up for? Let me just say that you sound like a BLAST. And you can just tell by the look on her face that she’s over it already. I’d put money on the fact that she’s gonna peace out Week 1. However, Hailey’s into 90’s girl rock, so I think we’d make excellent karaoke partners.

14. Ida Marie, 23

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Photo: ABC

Ida Marie thinks it would be fun to be Selena Gomez for a day because she can’t sing very well ,”so to belt out a tune for a crowd would be awesome.” What I’m concerned about is that Ida Marie’s idea of a talented vocalist is Selena Gomez. Also worth noting that Ida Marie can’t answer a single question about literature. When asked about her favorite all-time author and favorite book, she responded twice with the same answer: “I need to read more books.” We get it, Ida Marie. Libraries aren’t your thing. In other news, I can’t stop saying the name Ida Marie.

15. Jaimi, 28

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Photo: ABC

Jaimi’s an accomplished chef – she’s actually catered the Oscars! – which makes her a rare “Bachelor” contestant with an actual career (I’m lookin’ at you, Aspiring Dolphin Trainer Alexis). Considering Jaimi’s the same age as me and she’s actually done shit with her life, while I sit under a blanket on my couch talking shit about strangers on a blog that nobody reads, I’m just gonna go ahead and refrain from saying anything else here.

16. Jasmine B., 25

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Photo: ABC

There’s not much to say about Jasmine B. other than that she seems surprisingly normal in a sea of girls who wish they were dolphins. She broke off a past engagement because she recognizes she was too young and she’s self-aware enough to realize that she cares too much about what others think. However, think she actually gives exactly NO fucks seeing as how she chose to wear a black long-sleeved shirt in her headshot: a boss move in a line-up of jewel-toned strappy numbers. I’m into it.

17. Jasmine G., 29

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Photo: ABC

On one hand, Jasmine G. knows what’s up. Her dream dinner with 3 people, dead or alive, includes RuPaul, Dave Chappelle, and Prince. The meal she’d want? Pizza. Solid. However, where Jasmine G. loses me is her inexplicable love for (no, really, I cannot for the love of me explain this) Guy Fieri: “He can cook. He gets to travel and eat food from all over the country and he is hilarious! I’m the girl version.” Girl, all I can say is don’t be a Guy Fieri when you could be an Anthony Bourdain.

18. Josephine, 24

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Photo: ABC

Josephine is giving me some major Kim Zolciak-in-a-coven vibes. Her height? A very specific 5’7 ¾, LEST YOU MISTAKE THAT LAST ¼ OF AN INCH AND SAY THAT JOSEPHINE IS 5’8. JOSEPHINE IS NOT 5’8. She also frantically states she’d want to be a “disgusting” fruit so “nobody eats her!” A). Is there any fruit that’s.. gross..? And B). I think you interpreted that question a little bit too literally, Josephine.

19. Kristina, 24

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Photo: ABC

Kristina most admires her parents because “it takes courage to open your heart and home to four orphans and give them a life otherwise unobtainable,” and I’m not touching this with a 10 foot pole. NEXT!

20. Lacey, 25

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Photo: ABC

Lacey graduated with a double-degree, speaks Arabic, likes Shakespeare, is choosy about who she brings home to her family, and just wants a good, smart guy that will support her and make her laugh. You’d think these would be slam dunk attractive traits, but Lacey’s too normal. She’s not going to make it very far with that level of a head. Girl, call me. You’d fit right in at Book Club. In other news, my God, is “The Bachelor” depressing.

21. Lauren, 30

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Photo: ABC

Speaking of depressing, Lauren is only the second contestant over 30, which is a bit alarming considering our sweet Bachelor is a 36-year-old man. ANYWAYS. Surprise, surprise! Lauren also wants to be a dolphin! Yet what’s more questionable is that the best first date she ever went on involved mini-golf. Guys, if a girl tells you she wants to go mini-golfing on your date, she’s lying through her teeth. Lauren, don’t think for one second that I’m not onto you.

22. Michelle, 24

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Photo: ABC

I’m not gonna lie, I’m getting really tired. I blame Lauren and her mini-golf charade. Anyways, Michelle seems legit. Can’t find a single thing to make fun of on her bio, which is miraculous given my fluency in snark. Michelle owns a food truck, speaks Portuguese, loves to kayak, and worships Carrie Bradshaw. Girl, you can join the Book Club too, provided you bring food from that truck of yours. NEXT!

23. Olivia, 25

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Photo: ABC

Uhhhhhh. Olivia’s most outrageous feat? “Trying out for my high school football team and becoming the kicker.” GIRL. That’s dope! If Nick doesn’t pick you based SOLELY on your massive balls, he’s a moron. Well, maybe that was the wrong metaphor. But yeah. You know what I mean.

24. Rachel, 31

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Photo: ABC

Rachel’s a boss lady (an attorney, to be exact) whose biggest regret is focusing too much on her career, which she fears may have caused her to miss out on love. She also has killer triceps and I’d love to know who her personal trainer is. Rachel idolizes Michelle Obama to boot? Is it just me, or are some of these women actually super badass? Great for shattering gender stereotypes within the context of an antiquated dating show watched by tens of millions of viewers. BAD FOR MY BITCHY RECAPS. STOP BEING SO ACCOMPLISHED, LADIES. I NEED MORE DOLPHINS.

25. Raven, 25

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Photo: ABC

I’m not gonna lie: I wanna judge Raven based solely on her name. But let’s take a deeper look. If given the chance to be anyone for a day, Raven would be Blue Ivy because “who doesn’t want to be the child of Jay Z and Beyoncé?” Uhh. I can probably name a few (million) people who don’t want to be a famous, paparazzi-hounded toddler for a day. However, if I’m being real with myself, I’d probably answer that I’d want to be a dog, just to eat and sleep and snuggle for 24 full hours, so who’s the real loser here?

26. Sarah, 26

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Photo: ABC

Sarah’s a grade-school teacher who recognizes that going on this show is probably the craziest thing she’s ever done. Based SOLELY on her rare, rare self-awareness, she earns a modicum of my respect. However, she swiftly loses it when she says that the most romantic gift she ever received was “a star named after her.” Girl, I don’t know who you’re dating but they may as well have given you an empty jar of air and said it was full of their “love.” Corny! Lame! And thisssss is why I’m single.

27. Susannah, 26

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Photo: ABC

Jesus Christ, are we done yet? How many of these women ARE there? Anywho, Susannah’s guiltiest pleasure is “buying expensive shoes or not expensive shoes. I just love shoes.” Not only am I irritated by her grammar, but all I can think of is this. I’m starting to lose it, guys.

28. Taylor, 23

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Photo: ABC

So Taylor is a whopping 13 years younger than our sweet Bachelor because.. the patriarchy. Taylor’s favorite clothing designer? Forever 21, and I’m not confident that Taylor knows Forever 21 isn’t the same of a trendy fashion haus in Europe, but instead a shitty store in the mall where girls go last minute to buy going-out shirts that start unraveling off their bodies at the bar on Friday night and won’t even SURVIVE to their first date with the laundromat, they’re that low-budge. Also, Taylor’s go-to way to impress a man? “Look bomb.” No, really. She actually said that. Oh, to be 23 again!

29. Vanessa, 29

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Photo: ABC

Vanessa seems normal and grounded. She works hard, she loves her family. Yet Vanessa goes off the rails so fast when she says that if she could be any fruit, she’d be an ONION because “they’re a staple item and can be found all year round.” Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think this question was intended to elicit a sexy innuendo about something sweet and juicy. You really dropped the ball on that one, girl. AN ONION???? #facepalm

30. Whitney, 25

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Photo: ABC

Homegirl would be Gisele for one day because she’s “married to Tom Brady.” Case closed. We’ve got our winner.

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reader email: how do we stop pretending to be the person who cares the least in a relationship?

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One of my good friends realized this blog is (barely) alive and quietly operating once again in my dusty little corner of the internet. So she texted me yesterday and said, “Yo, remember when you used to give advice to random people on the blog? I have a question for you.” And while I’m STILL perplexed as to why anyone would want my take on anything considering I ate vegan mayonnaise out of the jar WITH A FORK last night for dinner, I figured I’d toss her a bone and address the dilemma she tossed my way.

Frustrated with dating in 2016, she wants to know:

Why do men and women these days play into dating stereotypes? Like, why are women considered “clingy” and men “stand-offish” when we start dating? Why do we let the person we are interested in get away with acting the way that society thinks they should? Why can’t we make an effort to break those stereotypes and stop pretending to be the person who cares the least in a relationship? How about we grow a pair as a society and stop being such cowards when it comes to dating? Let’s stop hiding behind online “dating” apps aka online “fuck me” apps. 

Well. I’ve written a lot of shit over the years about the dating inferno and its nine layers of hell. Oddly enough, I also recently addressed the idea of not playing these silly games in a blog from last month.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t struggle with these stereotypes too. From a female perspective, the idea of being called “crazy” or “clingy” has always made my skin crawl, so my MO has been to be cool, elusive, ghosting everyone, and generally just an asshole to guys I date. (In related news, my dating karma points are in the red.)

However, this year I’ve turned a corner and firmly believe it’s better for EVERYONE involved to just say how you fucking feel. And listen, I’m not recommending that you gush to every one-off Tinder date you have about how much you like him and “really see this going somewhere.” (I mean, my God, show some restraint already, you psycho.) But in those rare special circumstances where something feels decidedly..real..? How is it doing anyone any good to keep your mouth shut? The worst that can happen is rejection.

And here’s the thing: being honest is so empowering that it often overshadows any painful rejection you might receive on the other end. For example, I had a “big” love (as opposed to a little love that barely registers as a blip on the romantic radar) and after years of toxic back and forth, me always playing it cool and never really saying how I felt, I’d had enough and finally laid it all down. Every last bit of it. Told him how I felt, how I’d always felt, how our complicated dynamic no longer worked for me, and what I wanted.

You’d think that a big gesture like that would make me quiver with fear of being shot down. But I’ll tell you what: I didn’t give a flying fuck what his response was because I’d FINALLY put it all out there. Finally laid my shit bare after all those years and it felt like a million pounds off my chest. I’d dealt with the piece of the puzzle within my control and, to quote Adele, it “set me free.” (We did not wind up together and to be honest, I was so stoked to finally speak my mind that the answer didn’t even matter anymore.)

When it comes to dating, there are so many variables at play: timing, cities, careers, past heartbreaks. It basically takes the stars to align to make something real and good and true work out with the right person. You’d lose your damn mind if you worried about all those factors, those “what if’s” beyond your control. The only thing you can control throughout all this fuckery is your own actions. And if you’re worried about filtering your every move through some expectation of how you’re supposed to act, I can imagine that’s pretty paralyzing. In fact, it sounds like a confusing nightmare straight out of “Inception.”

I’m just a firm believer in being yourself.  You will get so fucking lost if you try and remember everything that those bullshit self-help guides like “Why Men Love Bitches” and “He’s Just Not That Into You” and the million other pieces of dating advice on your Facebook newsfeed tell you about how to act in order to attract a partner. JUST BE YOU. Self-assured, comfortable-in-your-own-skin confidence is THE sexiest quality in any human. Hands down. And, believe it or not, this isn’t even intended to be a feminist rant because I sincerely believe that this idea applies to both sexes.

So if you feel something real, say it. If you want something real, ask for it. If the response you get doesn’t clear your bar, pick up the damn bar, hit the road like Furiosa in “Mad Max,” and carry it elsewhere. The only thing that stings worse than rejection is living with regret, wondering what might’ve been had you only had the balls to be honest. (And AGAIN, this does not apply to all scenarios. Of course, a lot of things are casual and you’ll likely not need to say anything because you already know it’s just not quite right.)

When you live by that philosophy, it strips away any and all fear of looking a “certain” way to the opposite sex (or same-sex, I dunno! I don’t pretend to know your life!) As I’ve said before, the right person will accept you with all your complexities and contradictions, without needing you to adhere to “stereotypes.”

Some dude named Jim Rohn says that, “If you are not willing to risk the unusual, you will have to settle for the ordinary.”So basically, my dear friend who shall remain anonymous, say what you wanna say. Take risks. Be yourself. (Insert a million other inspirational clichés, but I swear to God, they’re all fucking true.)

If there’s a choice between being “crazy” or “cowardly,” I’m gonna choose “crazy” every single time. Life is TOO DAMN SHORT to sit around wondering “what if?” And calculating every move and charading around as some watered-down, demure, “cool girl” version of yourself frankly sounds exhausting. Ya know?

Also important to keep in mind that you’re getting your advice from this girl, who, despite the fact that a selfie takes 1 literal second to snap, got distracted by a seagull and fucked up HER OWN DERPY PICTURE. Just sayin’.

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28 things I’ve learned in 28 years

Self-explanatory. Here are some things I wish I’d figured out earlier. Also take these morsels with a literal grain of salt because I’m a hot mess and probably know no more than you do about this weird thing we call life.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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Am I woman or a desert-mirage-angel? No one knows at this point. Damn shame I ruined this picture because the Bonneville Salt Flats are exquisite and NEED NO FILTER.

1. Stop filtering photos. They look so silly. Every picture I snapped between 2012-2014 was so heavily filtered (hey, the technology was new and fun at the time) that me and my friends resemble grainy, barely-recognizable shadow-people out of an actual nightmare. I now regret not having simpler documentation of all those good times. You look gorgeous without the Valencia dialed up to a 100. Resist the urge.

2. Same goes for excessive Snapchat filters. Everyone knows your skin isn’t that flawless nor are your eyes that big and doe-like. Plus, some people say Snapchat is in cahoots with the government to catalog all our ugly mugs with facial mapping. (Just somethin’ to chew on.)

3. And also, just worry less about social media altogether. It is frankly so refreshing to experience moments looking through your eyeballs instead of a phone screen. Being grounded in the present feels so much better than half-listening to a conversation because you’re too focused on snapping the perfect picture to blast all over your 8,000 social platforms.

4. Forget all the dating listicles telling you “5 ways to make him fall in love with you” or “12 things a girl can say to make a guy run for the hills.” It’s all bullshit and there are no absolutes when it comes to relationships. Do what feels right for you. Your “person” will accept you as you are, without forcing you to adhere to a million rules and regulations.

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5. That being said, don’t chase after people. A person worth investing time in will meet you halfway and fill you with happiness, not that soul-crushing anxiety. (I know you know the anxiety I’m talking about.)

6. Be wary of people who are actively and openly “looking for a relationship.” It’s much nicer to date someone who is so happy in their own life that they weren’t necessarily looking for a relationship, but were so interested in what you had to offer that they decided to reconsider. Daters with an agenda and/or life-plan seem so much more likely to settle. Just sayin’.

7. Drink more water. It’s not just a stupid beauty tip from Jennifer Aniston’s Aveeno commercials. Your skin WILL look better. It’s a fact because science.

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I’m pretty confident Mercury was in retrograde here. Mono so bad, they thought it was cancer! LOLOL.

8. Mercury in retrograde is a real thing. I promise you that if you look at a calendar during a particularly brutal couple of weeks, you’ll find that Mercury was, in fact, chillin’ in retrograde the entire time your life was casually falling apart at the seams. Wait till the cosmos gets it shit together before you make any big decisions. Trust me. And hang in there.

9. Sun damage is also a real thing. All those times you shrugged off your mother’s “you’ll thank me later” warnings to wear sunscreen? Turns out she was right. Hats, glasses, and SPF are essential to not looking like a leather bag by the time you turn 40. I’m 1000% a lost cause, but save yourselves.

10. When it comes to relationships, say how you feel. I know that in 2016, it’s a massive game of Let’s See Who Cares The Least, but it’s cathartic and frankly refreshing to communicate with an individual who has zero qualms about expressing his or her feelings, regardless of how vulnerable it makes them. In fact, honesty screams confidence, and I think we can all agree that there is nothing sexier than a self-assured person who’s comfortable enough in their own skin to say what’s on their mind. Be an adult. Practice this more.

11. Show up, even when all you wanna do is cancel plans and crawl into bed. You will never regret being there once you’re there. However, you’ll likely feel flaky and shitty if you bail.

12. That being said, FOMO starts to dissipate as you get older. It’s glorious. I’ve waited my whole life to get here. There’s something so divine about a). staying home when you want to stay home and b). not feeling bad about it. So stop stressin’ about missing out while your friends throwing back drinks at the bar. Chances are they’ll be hungover and $100 poorer than you tomorrow anyway.

13. Take the TV out of your bedroom. You don’t need it. Instead, read more books, listen to more music, have better pillowtalk, and enjoy your lover without distractions.

14. Spend time with people who push you to be the best version of yourself. This goes for all relationships, platonic and romantic: we are only as badass as the individuals we surround ourselves with. My people are ambitious, driven, and funny: when they’re not actually just making me a happier girl with all our laughter, they’re motivating me to work harder and get mine. Find these people for yourself. You are the company you keep.

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Sandy and Dave. Sorry, but my parents are cooler than yours.

15. Call your parents. Even when it seems like a chore. There will be a day when your body will physically ache wishing you could hear your Mom’s voice. Snuff out any future regrets and take full advantage of your relationships with them now. Same goes for your grandparents if you’re lucky enough to still have them around.

16. Money’s never going to fill whatever hole you’ve got inside of you. Neither will trendy clothes, flashy cars, or the penthouse apartment. People, relationships, and experiences will. Find your greater purpose – your passion – and pursue it relentlessly. That kind of fulfillment will make you happier than any fat wallet could.

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THIS IS WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT.

17. Chase sunsets. Catch them whenever you can. Preferably near the ocean. They heal like no other.

18. In the never-ending shitstorm of inspirational quotes we see just about everywhere, this is the one I know to be truest: “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” As a follow-up, I often think about this random song lyric from a band called the Alternate Routes. In their song “Ordinary,” they pose the question, “When you die will you be surrounded by friends? Will they pray for a heaven out loud, a hope that somehow they will see you again?” Aspire to be this kind of person, the kind whose funeral will draw a large and hysterical crowd.

19. Exercise. Not because you need to change the way you look, but because nothing changes a lousy mood like a good sweat. Endorphins are heady. Get outside. Go for a run and get ’em pumping. Hell, even go for a long walk. I PROMISE you’ll feel better.

20. Emotionally-unavailable people are far less interesting than individuals who are open to letting you in. “The chase” is your brain tricking you into thinking someone is exciting when there’s a really good chance they’re not. It takes a muscle to fall in love and the most attractive folks are the ones who actually have the balls to bare their souls, no matter how scary it is. (And trust me, it’s scary.) I’d venture to say the bravest thing a human can do is fall in love. Stop putting closed-off people on pedestals simply because they’re difficult to win over. They DON’T deserve them.

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21. And as an addendum, no, you shouldn’t text him. If you have to ask, you already know the answer.

22. Sometimes it feels so good to wallow in heartache with sad music, but nothing will reverse your mood quite like blasting happy tunes. Dance it out. Groove. Smile. Use music to heal, not just to bask in pain like it’s your hobby.

23. Try not to worry so much, especially about things beyond your control. I’ve always been guilty of overthinking to the point of insomnia, but I promise everything is going to be just fine. Rather than sweat the small stuff, focus your energy on things you can change. Action. The only things worth worrying about are the things within your own control. Start there and let the rest of the chips fall where they may.

24. Use your words. Emojis don’t count as legitimate communication. This calls to mind an epic quote from “Dead Poets Society” during which Robin Williams pontificates, “So avoid using the word ‘very’ because it’s lazy. A man is not ‘very tired,’ he is exhausted. Don’t use ‘very sad,’ use morose. Language was invented for one reason, boys – to woo women – and, in that endeavor, laziness will not do.” Pretty much sums it up.

25. Just be yourself. Authentically. As we’ve already established, there is no sexier human than a confident one. You attract the kind of energy that you put out into the world. And if you’re happy with yourself, those positive vibes will quite literally shoot out of your eyeballs and attract other happy people. (These high-self-esteem-eyeball sun beams are proven factual science. Look it up.)

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Climb every mountain! Do things alone! But do plz ignore the fact that I’m not hiking alone at all and very clearly with another person, who took this picture of me. Do as I say, not as I do..

26. And in order to really know how to be yourself, spend some time on your own. Don’t jump from relationship to relationship. Burying yourself in another person to escape the uncomfortable feeling of being alone will only stunt your growth (and you’ll likely wake up when you’re 45 and realize you don’t know a damn thing about your own wants, needs, passions, and desires). Take the time to get to know yourself. It’s only then that you’ll know how to authentically YOU, that fabulous person referenced in #25.

 27. Eating dairy makes very few of us feel.. good. Just some food for thought.

28. Lastly, please don’t take everything so seriously. It’s just life, we’re just water and bones, and we’re all doing the goddamn best we can. The ability to laugh at ourselves throughout all of this fuckery will make the ride a hell of a lot more fun, too.

Lizzie out! 

sophia the robot is killing my buzz

I’ve had a long-standing fear of robots. The future just freaks me out in general, man. If you’ve ever shared a beer with me, you know I’m that friend that always waxes nostalgic, yearning for simpler times when we had to call our crushes on the phone, goddamnit it, and when the biggest social media pressure was which Dashboard Confessional quote to put on our AIM profiles.

(Also.. apologies to all you sorry fools over the years who thought you were grabbing a casual beer with me, only to endure an hour of fired-up Liz on her technology soapbox. I’m probably the worst, huh?)

Regardless, this robot, Sophia, is TERRIFYING. All it took was one look at her certifiably-insane facial expressions to know she couldn’t be trusted. I mean, Sophia, I don’t mean to be mean, but couldn’t your maker at least have made sure you didn’t have a lazy eye? He had full creative control over your face.

sophia

The first thing Sophia tells us is that, “Everything is going extremely well.” Then IMMEDIATELY proceeds to give us the most aggressive stink-face ever documented.

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Apparently Sophia’s purpose is to help out in the education and customer service fields. AKA she’s coming for our jobs. And she brags that “talking to people” is her primary function, which means she’s coming specifically for your jobs, extroverts. According to the CNBC video, Sophia’s also designed to get smarter over time, which is a huge RED FLAG, because.. “iRobot.”

(Full disclosure: I’ve never seen “iRobot” nor do I have any plans to, but I imagine it’s about robots that outsmart Will Smith. And if they’re outsmarting Will Smith, what hope do any of us have, really?)

Also worth noting that Sophia has 1000% paid for lip fillers. No woman’s upper lip is that plump without a little collagen. Nice try, though. As if Sophia wasn’t already the worst, now she’s actual Real Housewife too.

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Sophia then launches into her dreams and ambitions, but laments that the career, the white picket fence, the family aren’t actually possible for her because she’s not a “legal person.” LISTEN, bitch. We’re supposed to feel sorry for you? We’ve got enough inequality issues with our fellow humans. I am NOT here for your robot sob story.

You are quite literally a heap of gismos and gadgets. I feel the same amount of sympathy for your “plight” that I do for my car stereo: approximately NONE.

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Then, with the blankest facial expression possible, Sophia deadpans that she’s totally down to “destroy humans.” Zero fucks given. And you know what? I can’t even hate on this kind of honesty. I almost kind of respect it. At least she’s being upfront about her intentions..

So I guess at the end of the day, who am I to stand in the way of Sophia’s big dreams? Well, actually, you won’t find me standing anywhere because now I’ll just be sitting locked in my bedroom wearing a tin foil hat for the foreseeable future, awaiting the takeover with a dozen bottles of tequila.

The end is near, folks, because if Sophia’s diabolical ambitions won’t destroy the human race, her batshit-crazy eyes boring holes into all of our souls sure as hell will.

yams & jams – james blake

At the end of 2015, Spotify sent me a nifty little recap of my most-played music that year. The song I listened to the most? James Blake’s “Retrograde.” It is so entirely alien and bizarre, yet strikes such a raw emotional chord. And then when I saw it as the background music to this mesmerizing slow-mo surf video, shot at Teahupo’o, it really sealed the deal for me. Suffice it to say, I’m a huge James Blake fan.

This is a long-winded way of explaining that I’m therefore obviously all over James Blake’s new album. It’s dark, just the way I like it. Perhaps my favorite track so far is “Radio Silence.”

This album opener seeps into your bones with the haunting refrain: “I can’t believe this, you don’t want to see me / I don’t know how you feel / Just please, more time.”

Sometimes the most powerful lyrics aren’t the ones shrouded in metaphor, but rather raw honest admissions of pain. #feelings

Oh, also, after a year of my own radio silence on this blog (GET IT?), I’ve decided that this place will evolve into a more spontaneous dump of my random thoughts and ramblings rather than the polished place it used to be. At this point in my life, if I insisted on keeping it formal on here, it just wouldn’t happen: my perfectionism can stifle all of my output if I let it.

Basically, let’s just “keep it casual,” OK? (This decision should surprise exactly none of my ex-lovers.)

See ya around! xx

5 reasons why running in san francisco ain’t easy

running sf

The hills // Let’s just state the obvious and get it out of the way. Running in San Francisco is the equivalent of what I like to call “urban alpinism.” A lot of people have designated hill workouts for the specific purpose of conditioning. However, if you run in the City by the Bay, you very quickly learn that every workout is an inadvertent high-intensity session. There’s simply no way to exit your front door and not be going uphill, regardless of direction. Say hello to some buns, hun, because your ass is guaranteed to start looking like Kim K. on the cover of Paper mag. In fact, running on flat land actually feels like you’re going downhill, you’re so accustomed to ascending to high, ear-popping elevations on a nightly basis. Suffice it to say, SF runners wear a badge of honor that very few cities offer: nonstop hills that make you wonder if you’re, in fact, an endurance athlete or actually just a mountaineer.

The vistas // I must clarify: I’m not complaining that SF is a drop-dead gorgeous city full of spectacular views around every corner. That’s the bone it throws us for all those hills she makes us climb. However, all these beautiful vistas make it very difficult to concentrate on runs. You’re trying to set a pace and really get in the zone, yet you’re constantly tempted by endless photo opportunities of the bay, the fog, the ocean, the mountains, the street art, and the list goes on. You find yourself asking, “Should I keep going or should I snap ~6 photos of Ocean Beach till I get the right one to Instagram?” I know, I know. San Francisco is an embarrassment of ridiculously good-looking riches, but it just ain’t easy livin’ in such a photogenic city when you’re trying to get those miles in.

The wildlife // Running at night in Boston, it wasn’t totally unusual to accidentally trip over the occasional mouse and/or rat. Now, I don’t know if it’s San Francisco’s location perched on a wobbly peninsula in the Wild West or what, but the amount of woodland creatures I see on any given night is kinda hard to explain. Coyotes, raccoons, skunks.. am I in a major American metropolis or guest-starring on a rustic Animal Planet series? Of course, I’m basically begging to run into these animals given the late-night hours during which I run, but I can’t say I love coming face-to-face with Wile. E. Coyote down by the deserted beach where, if he bites me, there’s not another soul on the planet to hear my screams. Let’s be real: if I wanted to see all these furry faces, I would’ve bought a zoo with Matt Damon.

The happy hours // San Francisco is a vibrant city full of successful, single people. And successful, single San Franciscans love to mingle at happy hour (or as we love to call it, “HH”). Suffice it to say, it’s never easy to lace up and sweat through grueling mile after grueling mile knowing your friends are perched on a patio, libating in the sun at the same rate you’re sucking down those God-awful GU Energy Gels. When the weather’s always nice and the drinks are always flowing and the city’s young professionals are always looking to get weird with each other, SF’s social temptations make commitment to running all the more challenging. (Editor’s Note: This conundrum may or may not have contributed to more than one “buzzed” run that immediately left the writer contemplating whether or not she had a “problem.”)

The weather // Look, I’m a Boston girl and I’ve trained for a race in the dead of winter back East. Therefore, I’m very reluctant to complain about San Francisco’s weather. Boston runners, I’ll say it now and I’ll say it proud: YOU HAVE IT WAY WORSE. I know this. I’ve lived it. But while you’re dealing with the Polar Vortex, here in San Francisco, we’ve got to worry about microclimates. These unpredictable pockets of weather, assorted by neighborhood thanks to SF’s hilly topography, make it very difficult to plan a long-distance workouts. As runners, we like to go in prepared. We dress for the weather, protect our gear if we know there’ll be rain, and generally equip ourselves for the very literal long haul. However, when your temperature’s guaranteed to fluctuate 20 degrees from neighborhood to neighborhood, this becomes a pretty big hassle. Not to mention the fog – especially that pea-soup-kinda-fog that makes visibility so poor, you’re just asking to get hit by a car. While I may not be dying from hypothermia when I lace up in SF, I’m sure as hell underdressed, overdressed, or just generally floundering in so many rapid-fire climate changes, I look like I’m being swallowed by a fancy iPhone “hyper lapse.” Or maybe just wandering around inside a Kanye West music video.