I don’t have cable and I watch very little TV, but for some soul-sucking reason, I still religiously watch every show from “The Bachelor” franchise. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t believe for one second that any of this shit is real. But boy is it fun to consume. Raging hormones, gallons of booze, and unrequited love? That’s my kinda trainwreck.
Therefore I’m thinking I might just bite the bullet and do weekly recaps for this upcoming season. And in the spirit of kicking things off, let’s run some commentary on the bios that were just released for Nick Viall’s group girls. So without further ado, here are the 30 women competing for roses on Season 21 of this great American institution that we call “The Bachelor.”
1. Alexis, 23
Alexis looks like a nice girl. However, her occupation is Aspiring Dolphin Trainer, which begs the question: what exactly is so hard about getting this position that your documented job is.. trying to land a job? This is the kind of thing kids tell their parents they wanna be when they grow up. Like when I used to say I wanted to be a zookeeper until I realized that zookeepers don’t get to snuggle with lions and mostly just shovel feces all day. Alexis, might I suggest you watch a little film called “Blackfish” before you
go keep trying to go down this road?
2. Angela, 26
Angela’s a model from South Carolina who considers herself a major weirdo because she licks the popcorn bag. She admits, “My brother and I used to do it all the time when we were little. So unhealthy. LOL.” The only thing weird about you, dear Angela, is that you thought it was a good idea to mention this bizarre personal anecdote on a questionnaire designed to help you land a husband.
3. Astrid, 26
While Astrid’s name is unique and intriguing, she is the third girl out of three girls so far that has cited “dolphin” as the animal she’d most like to be. However, what’s really killin’ me about Astrid is her ambiguous fear of horses: “Horses freak me out. I’ve had some bad experiences.” Uhh. Care to elaborate? Because I can’t be the only one who’s concerned about this ominous equine history of yours. (Unrelated: Why is ABC asking so many questions about animals? This is the kind of information relevant to dating in 2016? Funny little facts that belong in a 6th grade ice-breaker? No wonder why exactly 0% of couples on this show make it. Or just in general. Whatever.)
4. Briana, 28
Briana’s too aggressively smiley for my delicate sensibilities. And she’s a nurse so I’ll definitely be going right to hell for criticizing her. Briana, like the first 3 girls, also wants to be a dolphin. We’ve got a lot of unique snowflakes in this group, lemme tell ya. She goes on to say that she’d most like to be “The Little Mermaid” because Ariel has “cool animal friends.” WHY ARE ONLY TALKING ABOUT ANIMALS. Did “The Bachelor” jump networks to Animal Planet orrrr..?
5. Brittany, 26
Homegirl is a travel nurse (…?) so I immediately imagine she’s a real-life Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. She likes Beyoncé and I like Beyoncé, so I think we could be friends. That is, until she claims that cooking dinner is how she impresses guys because “food is the way to a man’s heart.” Mmmm, girl bye. Not even in a feminist way. Just sincerely because who has time to slave away in the kitchen, especially when you’re spending hours wrapping layer after layer of bolo-choker around your neck..
6. Christen, 25
If given the chance to break any law, Christen would “break into the White House and spend months sleeping in a storage closet and observing what actually goes on behind closed doors.” Girl, I’m just gonna go out on a limb and suggest that you could very conceivably spy on the government without sleeping in a closet for months on end like a serial killer. And later, in an entirely different question, she responds that she’d love to be the President because she’s “so curious what actually goes on back there.” It’s safe to say Christen will be bringing her tin foil hat to the Bachelor mansion..
7. Corinne, 24
Let’s just note that in a great demonstration of good decision-making, Corinne is already lasering off tattoos at the ripe young age of 24. She also has “too many embarrassing moments to count.” OK then.
8. Danielle L., 27
Danielle seems mostly normal. The animal she’d most like to be? A fox because “they are responsive, sometimes cunning and adaptive.” Girl, all I’m striving to be is “sometimes cunning,” too. Real recognize real.
9. Danielle M., 31
It’s sad that Danielle is the oldest of this bunch so far and she’s the laydee I most identify with. “The Sandlot” is one of her favorite movies, she likes green smoothies, and she lost a great love, therefore needing “to start fresh somewhere.” PREACH, girl. You and me, Danielle M.? We’ve seen some thangs. Let’s grab a glass of wine and talk 401ks.
10. Dominique, 25
Dominique seems pretty basic. She likes brunch, hiking, “Titanic,” and Tinder. She also mentions Chipotle burritos not one, but twice on this questionnaire and says she loves “sunshine.” Dominique, saying that you like sunshine is like saying that you love oxygen or clean water or puppies. There has got to be a more interesting way to differentiate yourself from the 7 billion other humans on planet Earth. Ugh. We’re only 10 girls in and my patience is already wearing thin.
11. Elizabeth “Liz,” 29
OK, Liz is wearing green, has cool tattoos, likes coconut oil, flosses regularly, acted as her sister’s doula during childbirth, AND she’s “not embarrassed of anything.” IS SHE MY SAME-NAME HIPPIE SOUL SISTER? Where Liz loses me, though, is when she says that of all the things that would make her very happy, it would simply be “not killing someone.” Uhhhhhhhh. Liz? Couldn’t we have gone a bit lighter there? Nahh, I’m just playin’. Us Liz’s are morbid as fuck. If this girl doesn’t win, I’m writing an angry letter.
12. Elizabeth, 24
Another Elizabeth. Seems like kind of a yawn. Especially because she doesn’t list a nickname and therefore I assume must go by full bore “Elizabeth.” (No cool Elizabeth’s choose this plight.) She likes Kate Middleton, Britney Spears, Christmas, “The Notebook,” …a;lkjadsfasdflkj.. Sorry. I fell asleep on my keyboard. NEXT!
13. Hailey, 23
Hailey doesn’t like fun things. Let’s just get that straight right off the bat. She’s not romantic (“I’m not into making out all the time and being sang to”) and hates butterflies. Hmm, Hailey, do you know what show you just signed up for? Let me just say that you sound like a BLAST. And you can just tell by the look on her face that she’s over it already. I’d put money on the fact that she’s gonna peace out Week 1. However, Hailey’s into 90’s girl rock, so I think we’d make excellent karaoke partners.
14. Ida Marie, 23
Ida Marie thinks it would be fun to be Selena Gomez for a day because she can’t sing very well ,”so to belt out a tune for a crowd would be awesome.” What I’m concerned about is that Ida Marie’s idea of a talented vocalist is Selena Gomez. Also worth noting that Ida Marie can’t answer a single question about literature. When asked about her favorite all-time author and favorite book, she responded twice with the same answer: “I need to read more books.” We get it, Ida Marie. Libraries aren’t your thing. In other news, I can’t stop saying the name Ida Marie.
15. Jaimi, 28
Jaimi’s an accomplished chef – she’s actually catered the Oscars! – which makes her a rare “Bachelor” contestant with an actual career (I’m lookin’ at you, Aspiring Dolphin Trainer Alexis). Considering Jaimi’s the same age as me and she’s actually done shit with her life, while I sit under a blanket on my couch talking shit about strangers on a blog that nobody reads, I’m just gonna go ahead and refrain from saying anything else here.
16. Jasmine B., 25
There’s not much to say about Jasmine B. other than that she seems surprisingly normal in a sea of girls who wish they were dolphins. She broke off a past engagement because she recognizes she was too young and she’s self-aware enough to realize that she cares too much about what others think. However, I think she actually gives exactly NO fucks seeing as how she chose to wear a black long-sleeved shirt in her headshot: a boss move in a line-up of jewel-toned strappy numbers. I’m into it.
17. Jasmine G., 29
On one hand, Jasmine G. knows what’s up. Her dream dinner with 3 people, dead or alive, includes RuPaul, Dave Chappelle, and Prince. The meal she’d want? Pizza. Solid. However, where Jasmine G. loses me is her inexplicable love for (no, really, I cannot for the love of me explain this) Guy Fieri: “He can cook. He gets to travel and eat food from all over the country and he is hilarious! I’m the girl version.” Girl, all I can say is don’t be a Guy Fieri when you could be an Anthony Bourdain.
18. Josephine, 24
Josephine is giving me some major Kim Zolciak-in-a-coven vibes. Her height? A very specific 5’7 ¾, LEST YOU MISTAKE THAT LAST ¼ OF AN INCH AND SAY THAT JOSEPHINE IS 5’8. JOSEPHINE IS NOT 5’8. She also frantically states she’d want to be a “disgusting” fruit so “nobody eats her!” A). Is there any fruit that’s.. gross..? And B). I think you interpreted that question a little bit too literally, Josephine.
19. Kristina, 24
Kristina most admires her parents because “it takes courage to open your heart and home to four orphans and give them a life otherwise unobtainable,” and I’m not touching this with a 10 foot pole. NEXT!
20. Lacey, 25
Lacey graduated with a double-degree, speaks Arabic, likes Shakespeare, is choosy about who she brings home to her family, and just wants a good, smart guy that will support her and make her laugh. You’d think these would be slam dunk attractive traits, but Lacey’s too normal. She’s not going to make it very far with that level of a head. Girl, call me. You’d fit right in at Book Club. In other news, my God, is “The Bachelor” depressing.
21. Lauren, 30
Speaking of depressing, Lauren is only the second contestant over 30, which is a bit alarming considering our sweet Bachelor is a 36-year-old man. ANYWAYS. Surprise, surprise! Lauren also wants to be a dolphin! Yet what’s more questionable is that the best first date she ever went on involved mini-golf. Guys, if a girl tells you she wants to go mini-golfing on your date, she’s lying through her teeth. Lauren, don’t think for one second that I’m not onto you.
22. Michelle, 24
I’m not gonna lie, I’m getting really tired. I blame Lauren and her mini-golf charade. Anyways, Michelle seems legit. Can’t find a single thing to make fun of on her bio, which is miraculous given my fluency in snark. Michelle owns a food truck, speaks Portuguese, loves to kayak, and worships Carrie Bradshaw. Girl, you can join the Book Club too, provided you bring food from that truck of yours. NEXT!
23. Olivia, 25
Uhhhhhh. Olivia’s most outrageous feat? “Trying out for my high school football team and becoming the kicker.” GIRL. That’s dope! If Nick doesn’t pick you based SOLELY on your massive balls, he’s a moron. Well, maybe that was the wrong metaphor. But yeah. You know what I mean.
24. Rachel, 31
Rachel’s a boss lady (an attorney, to be exact) whose biggest regret is focusing too much on her career, which she fears may have caused her to miss out on love. She also has killer triceps and I’d love to know who her personal trainer is. Rachel idolizes Michelle Obama to boot? Is it just me, or are some of these women actually super badass? Great for shattering gender stereotypes within the context of an antiquated dating show watched by tens of millions of viewers. BAD FOR MY BITCHY RECAPS. STOP BEING SO ACCOMPLISHED, LADIES. I NEED MORE DOLPHINS.
25. Raven, 25
I’m not gonna lie: I wanna judge Raven based solely on her name. But let’s take a deeper look. If given the chance to be anyone for a day, Raven would be Blue Ivy because “who doesn’t want to be the child of Jay Z and Beyoncé?” Uhh. I can probably name a few (million) people who don’t want to be a famous, paparazzi-hounded toddler for a day. However, if I’m being real with myself, I’d probably answer that I’d want to be a dog, just to eat and sleep and snuggle for 24 full hours, so who’s the real loser here?
26. Sarah, 26
Sarah’s a grade-school teacher who recognizes that going on this show is probably the craziest thing she’s ever done. Based SOLELY on her rare, rare self-awareness, she earns a modicum of my respect. However, she swiftly loses it when she says that the most romantic gift she ever received was “a star named after her.” Girl, I don’t know who you’re dating but they may as well have given you an empty jar of air and said it was full of their “love.” Corny! Lame! And thisssss is why I’m single.
27. Susannah, 26
Jesus Christ, are we done yet? How many of these women ARE there? Anywho, Susannah’s guiltiest pleasure is “buying expensive shoes or not expensive shoes. I just love shoes.” Not only am I irritated by her grammar, but all I can think of is this. I’m starting to lose it, guys.
28. Taylor, 23
So Taylor is a whopping 13 years younger than our sweet Bachelor because.. the patriarchy. Taylor’s favorite clothing designer? Forever 21, and I’m not confident that Taylor knows Forever 21 isn’t the same of a trendy fashion haus in Europe, but instead a shitty store in the mall where girls go last minute to buy going-out shirts that start unraveling off their bodies at the bar on Friday night and won’t even SURVIVE to their first date with the laundromat, they’re that low-budge. Also, Taylor’s go-to way to impress a man? “Look bomb.” No, really. She actually said that. Oh, to be 23 again!
29. Vanessa, 29
Vanessa seems normal and grounded. She works hard, she loves her family. Yet Vanessa goes off the rails so fast when she says that if she could be any fruit, she’d be an ONION because “they’re a staple item and can be found all year round.” Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think this question was intended to elicit a sexy innuendo about something sweet and juicy. You really dropped the ball on that one, girl. AN ONION???? #facepalm
30. Whitney, 25
Homegirl would be Gisele for one day because she’s “married to Tom Brady.” Case closed. We’ve got our winner.